meet betsy. betsy has issues. betsy = fail.

It's not uncommon for people to give their vehicles nicknames, and I am no different. Every car I have ever owned has had a name, (some much more socially appropriate than others) often rather dull names.

My most current vehicle is Betsy (aka Betty, Beast, Ethanol-hater, MoneyPit). She's a black '99 Ford Contour SE I have had less than a year, purchased as a replacement for Red, a '97 Ford Contour GL (guess what color it was, LOL) which found its unfortunate demise in the form of a Hereford steer last February.

I LOOOOOOVED Red. Red was mine for 9 years and 130k miles. Red has been wonderful mechanically, and the only MAJOR thing ever needed done, was replacing the timing belt and pulleys (because a plastic pulley shattered). Because of this, I went out looking for a Contour to replace her. Even injured, Red went another 7 weeks before giving up. Looked like absolute hell, the brunt of many jokes, but Red still got me from point A to point B to point C... until the last day. Any replacement had some big wheeltreads to fill.

Betsy was sweeeeeet for about 3 weeks, then little things started needing tweaking and replacing. Bear in mind I was still trying to get by financially on just a couple hundred bucks a week for two people. I needed Reliable Red, not Bullsh*t Betty.

In April, the fuel filter needed replaced ($45), as well as a headlamp ($22) and a spare key made ($35 because of the anti-theft system). And let's not discuss the registration + tax ($265) and title ($45), insurance ($80, to transfer/update the policy), and renew the plates ($75). You can guess where the bulk of my few-thousand dollar lump-sum payment for my back TTD from Jan-March went, can't you?

In May, the O2 sensor took a crap and had to be replaced ($230). THANKFULLY, this mechanic let me pay it out and have my car while I did so. It took me until July to get it paid off.

In June, the struts on the trunk lid gave up (yet to be replaced - we use a piece of scrap lumber - how redneck of us). The belts needed replaced too, as they were slipping and squealing ($195)

In July, a storm hit, blowing a tree down on the front of her. Her hood and front fenders are scratched to hell now, and there are some minor dents on the roof. Bodywork and repaint estimates are in the $2000 range, so she just has to deal with facial blemishes for the time being.

In August, as we were leaving Oklahoma for Wisconsin, the battery suddenly died, leaving me stranded at a wayside for a couple hours while waiting for my ex to get done with a pick-up on the semi so he could get someone to jump start her. THEN, the trunk started leaking. Seal replaced ($50) and it STILL leaked. Mechanic that did the work was not nice about it, so didn't get it fixed.

In September, the battery which was supposedly new when I bought it in March needed replaced, it was kaput. ($75)

In October, it needed the doors adjusted ($60), and again the trunk seal got replaced ($50). The trunk STILL leaks.

In November, the positive battery cable shorted out, leaving her to languish in the backyard and earn the names of "The Monolith" and "Overpriced Lawn Ornament" (and a few others that don't need to be mentioned, I'm sure).

As you see (in the picture), Betsy's got her mouth open yet again, as people try to figure out how to get the old battery cable out of her. The current count of failures in this task = 6.

If you ever have the option to get a 99-00 Ford with the V6 (dual overhead cam) motor, run far and fast in the opposite direction. This is the engine which makes mechanics cringe. It is poorly designed, and the peripherals like alternator, starter, etc. have been positioned in such a way that it is a major pain in the ass to get to, and what COULD be and SHOULD be a simple job turns into a holy nightmare.

To start with, Dear Betsy is special - so special that you cannot get a replacement cable from anywhere other than Ford. But NOOOOOO you canNOT get it off their website ordering, you gotta get it from a dealer. Cost: $133.85 + tax. I have been waiting for THREE WEEKS for them to track one down and get it here.

If THAT doesn't make your heart stop, try finding a mechanic that will agree to put the thing in, should it ever magically appear. I have called 23 mechanics in the area, including TWO Ford dealerships. When they hear what motor I have, 18 have said "we won't work on that one", 2 have said "we don't have the time to work on that one" (including a Ford dealership), 1 has quoted $350, 1 has quoted $180, and 1 has quoted $120. I asked the three that actually were willing to consider it WHY SO MUCH - all answered the same "It's that engine. It sucks to work on it."

I really wish I had done more research when I considered buying Betsy, because I probably would have gone with the '98 Taurus with the ugly rims that was sitting right next to her on the lot that had the OLD version of the V6 that mechanics don't fear...or that ugly-ass orange (we are talking TANG ORANGE) older Jeep Cherokee sitting down the row from them.

At this moment, the next two guys (aka victims) are trying to get the old cable out. We have a winter storm warning, and it JUST started to snow. Anyone wanna place a bet on how much longer these two try before giving up?